QUIPS & QUOTES FROM THE "BARD OF THE KENILWORTH LODGE"
Gary "Boardwalk" Boardman
THE GOLFER
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and a
guy was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing the upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
"Would the gentlemen on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, please!!!"
He could feel every eye on the course looking at him. He was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up
to the men's tee?"
He simple ignored the announcer and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the men's tee,
PLEASE!"
He finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike, cupped his hands and shouted back:
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly pipe down and let me play my second
shot?"
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THE RULES OF "BEDROOM GOLF"
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally
take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course
being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the
course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover omeone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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Golfing Trip
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck
a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round
and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything
is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand
dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
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The Wisdom Of Golf
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will
visit.--Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. --
Author Unknown
I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted. -- Author Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. --
Raymond Floyd
My handicap? Woods and irons. -- Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~Pete Dye
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~Jim Bishop
I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~Author Unknown
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.~Paul Harvey
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.
~Ernest Hemingway
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ~Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. -- Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a
perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play .~ Joe E. Lewis
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for
the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible .~Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off . ~Author Unknown
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. --
Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~Author Unknown
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Never Lie About Your Handicap !!!!!!
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed
to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could to play.
"Sure," said the Pro, " But what's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman,"But what's
the relevance since I'll be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the pro who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the Pro, "his
handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the
businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman
duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle
and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's
the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of
course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of
the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled
back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large
crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw
the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."
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The Miracle Of Toilet Paper
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says,
"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
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QUOTABLE QUOTES
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A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around
the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".
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Mulligan:
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played
a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot,
"What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
"We call it hitting 3."
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Police are called to an apartment and find a womanholding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that
your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
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WORTH READING - A TRUE STORY !!!!!
On July 20, 1969, as Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong, was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon' "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But, just before he re-entered the lunar lander, he made the
enigmatic remark "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky".
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
Russian or American programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 15, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the then 26 year old
question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when Armstrong was a kid in a small midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard, by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsey shouting at Mr. Gorsky; "Sex, you want sex? You'll get sex, when the kid next door walks on the moon !!!".
TRUE STORY !!!!!
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AND HERE'S SOME "SNAPPY ANSWERS"
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day,"
the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
And finally #5, THE TEACHER "Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR"
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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THIS ONES FROM "WHIT"
A stranger, seated next to my grandson Jake, on a plane
coming to visit us from Arizona, turned to Jake and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Jake, who had just opened his book on "Medieval Sorcerers and Their
Motives", closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Jake. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Jake, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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THE VALUE OF UNDIES:
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under you vehicle...especially in public.
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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